I want love, please

Fuck. Man just FUCK. I am 22 years old, male, caucasian, bulgarain from an average family with somewhat average looks: 1.93 meters (yes a bit too tall) ~90sh kilograms (varies from 110 to 85, currently ~88sh) Wet sand blond hair, greenish eyes, and overall so~so face. No visable "muscles" plenty of fat around, but nothing too extream. Basicly average overgrown body with about the same type of face on it. In fact here`s the easy way to explain all that: (yes i am almost naked, and yes this is i-net exhibitionism, but who cares anyway): http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b97/Butcherbg/esatusru.jpg

I've never, in my life so far, and probably ever, had a long term relationship with a female. Never, as in... Never. Not even a day, maybe 2~3 date like experiences, but nothing including intimacy. In this topic i will complain about that. I will complain a lot, and so that things be clear i will ask right of the hook (you the readers) WHY IS THAT. I hope you will read my rantings with something in between curiosity/criticism(without one about the grammar, don`t feel like looking for misspeling and typos)/and as much as i hate to say it compasion(i hate compasion myself, but even if it is from the i-net people i think i need some right now.) and than try to formulate opinion on why is my situiation happeing at all.

Now here`s what i'll do. I will try to explain my current situation (Though it`s rather hard to put 22 years of never having a love affair into words of foreign language and a text limited to a post in a blog, rather than a book or two):

I started with my physics so that you don`t automaticly assume i am a gimp or i miss an eye or have some gruesome deformations. Now that we've cleared i am just your everyday no one (not a scarecrow, not a film actor) i can start talking about my problems from my point of view, the way i see those problems and the world as a whole. More acurately the relations and connections between people.

The fact is however that I have no idea where to start from...

There it goes: I've had sex numerious times. My first time was on 18 with 16 years old girl. I don`t know who was getting drunk who, but in the end we were both drunk. We had sex and it was nice. Unfortunatly she had a long term boyfriend (I think to this very same day), with who she had her first time like 3 months before me. That and the fact that by that time i tought women are good mostly for sex prevented me from having something with her (I did some pale attempts but it was mostly to get laid again i think).

In the lines above i stated "women are good mostly for sex" and here`s where 70% of you goes "oh he`s a sexist, so he basicly deservs what he gets(or much rather... doesn`t get/have)". The fact is i am still pretty much agreeing with that sentence, but there is so much more behinde it. I think it has something to do with the way i think of other peoples (men and women) as a whole, but that`s waaay to hard to explain, so i will focus on women. I love women, I adore women I think women are divine (do not know how to put even more weight behinde those statements). Every single time, and I do mean every single time i see a woman I like (like is too soft of a term but those are the limitations of my >engrish<) I wanna share my life with her and she to share hers with me. It`s just an instant feeling. I see her (where her is... well her in general) and I know I wanna and I can be with here right on that instance and to eternity. I do not know how exactly but I just want it. I wanna be with her in the bed, i wanna know her feelings, her views about the world I wanna travel with her etc. etc. Why is that? Well that is one hell of a question. I know the answer but yet again i have no idea how to explain it exactly. Basicly I feel like half a person. As if something in me or of me is missing and i need to find it, or much rather it is in some woman out there. I need the soft touch of a woman skin, a woman fragance and the overall presence to feel complete. Otherwise when i am with myself i constantly feel like raging or doing nothing at all, and those two conditions shift constantly and infinitly minute by minute, second by second. If i have to verbalize it in my mind i am almost always either: "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK KILL KILL KILL KILL FUCK FUCK KILL FUCK WTFFFFFFF WTFFF ASSSHOLEEEESS DIE DIE DIE DIE FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCH SHIT SAHAFFDSHAIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" or just " " as in completely nothing. Blank, no thoughts at all, just passively reciving the visual and audio information coming from my eyes and ears just because my eyes are open and i cannot silence my ears anyway (and if i do silence them, then i will hear mostly my thoughts which will be even worse i think, because as thoughts cannot exactly be put in words, mine are pretty fucking horrific, in fact one day just recently i tried to "stare" into the darkness of my own mind for like 30 minutes and when i opened my eyes the world around looked so much brigther, wormer and cousier that if i had some tears left i would have cried (that went pretty fucking EMO eh...). I was in working envoirment full of dust, old school machines and workers and all that looked 100000 times better than what my own mind had to offer (absolutely nothing true infinite and frozen darkness, deepest shade of black). I think i went a bit overboard with those not so important things + the explanation of my thoughts wasn`t really exactly true. Infinite black happens when i try to think of nothing (and obviosly works, coz when you think of nothing... you get... nothing)

When i try to think of "something" i think of waaaay to many things at once. The result is i get into those mega annoying loops. I think of something and in that exact same moment i already know how it will start, proceed and end and i already feel like not doing it coz it felt like i've aready done it. And this happens non stop about everything and i will be repeating myself but it is... annoying it just stops me dead in my tracks. Sometimes in my worst periods i swear i've been thinking like 10 minutes of weather to do or not to do some of the most basic task requered for the human being to operate. And by thinking i mean infinite spining of " MAN FUCK, i've done that tens of thousands of times already, i know how to do it, i know what will happen when i do it, so what`s the point of doing it, there will be nothing new, nothing amusing, just something i've done, i will do, and miliards of others people have done and will proceed to do, so it`s basicly so irrelevant i wanna cry and yet there is no way not to do it , so it`s overall one complete fucking bullshit" Once that loop appears about something it fucking breaks my inertia. And they do appear. But this is not the point of this whole text, my mind is obviosly wondering around too much. I am trying to make a point and yet i am just rambling.

Let`s summarize so far: 22 Years old. Had sex once, the normal getting drunk at a party getting laid way (and than numerious times more with cheap whores, which is not something to be proud of but hell i needed it and i've done...), always in love with almost every women he sees (including the cheap whores, especialy one which brought me the best sexual expirience i've ever had, in fact i do not even feel like calling her cheap whore (in english is easier, but in my native language it will make me "hurt") But never been loved back by a woman with the exception of one`s own mom, which is... rather normal i think. And yes my aunt which have no children of her own, but obviosly i don`t think of those two as women at all... or not in the complete sence. Why am i complaining about all this right now...

This is where the story gets interesting I used to be a student. International Relationship major. ... I used to be. How did it happen that i am currently not. Now that`s the tricky part, i myself do not have a complete grasp of that situation. For those of you who are retarded moralist (i am jerking around, everyone can belive whatever he/she wants to belive, i have no right to call anyone who have moral principles a retard) i will offer a simple and easy explanation of the fact (the fact that i am no longer a student). Right from year one i started using marijuana. I was a user from before that, but in the university and especialy year two (i dropped at the end of year 3, litteraly a week or two ago) i kind of went from joint a week to 3~5... a lot more a day. Now i know i am putting my head in bag with that very statement. It`s just waay to easy to "oh, he`s an addict screw him" and even stop reading or thinking from this point onwards, but i still have my hopes up, someone will care or rather bare with me to read the whole thing, and that`s exactly why i am admiting my marijuana abuse so that it can be >>the whole thing<<.

From my own point of view marijuana is either a very small part of my problem or maybe even irrelevant. (i am currently tring to not use, but that`s because i realize my head is a complete mess and outher substances being it alcohol (i do drink, even thou i don`t like it, but sometimes it`s just better to be drunk compared to not be drunk) or THC are what i am least needing atm. The facts are i no longer even enjoy marijuana the way i used to. I actually got bored of it too. The even simplier explanation about all is that i am in fact bored of life, but since this is not a valid argument i am just skiping it and keeping on. Up untill about 3 months ago i used to be very happy person. I myself was seeing myself as being on top of everything. I was riding the wave of life full speed towards the future no worries or cares, no fears. Wether it really was true or not is rather irrelevant i think, because as long as i was percieving things that way (me being happy) everything was ok. I was... well at least and for sure not sad as shit. Let me try to give you, a picture of what was i thinking back than and what and how it changed. (i am really not sure about all that myself and thus i am asking about outer opinions of random i-net people).

Here`s me 3 monts and 2 days ago: 22 Years old. 3rd year student in the most prestigious university in the country. Having a driver`s licence, own car, and really, really enjoing traveling the highway between home city and capital city of the country in which the university of question is situated into. Having a lot of friends to get stoned with in various locations, mountains, dorments, parks. Liking music, movies, games. Not having a girlfriend, but not carering due to thinking one will become a powerfull political figure (or at least rich) and will have at least "personal assitant" which will be hired with very specific job terms and one day will realize how good of a person i in fact am and will actually start to love me besides fuck me. (The previous statement was figure of speach but i hope you get the point of what was i thinking).

Most of my colegues in the university liked me and thought of me as interesting person due to my lifestyle. And as far as the academic activity went i never felt it to be hard. I mean it was, but i also found it somewhat interesting and challenging so i was enjoing the little of it i was doing (i was a "good" student meaning my average grade was 4 in the 2 to 6 scaling system where 2 is "poor two" 3 is "average three" 4 is "good four" 5 is "very good five" and 6 is "excelent six"). What i am saing is that no normal person will state that this was a bad life as i also wasn`t. So what changed. One day we were having discussion on a excercise about a german movie called "Das Experiment" or "The Experiment". 3 Days ago they projected it to us in a lection. It was about a "game" where specificly selected people were separated to "guards" and "prisoners" in a "prison" and they had to live under those condition for like 20 days or so as if it was a real prison with the only term of not using violence as a mean of containing order. This is somehow very relevant and very irrelevant to my own story but it`s unexplainable. So we are having this discussion and in the beggining of it i am very very very happy. Because i like verbal discussions and because it was on piece of matterial that was presented to everyone in a form that`s easy to grasp (visual and audio information, rather than just boring reading of tons of text). Basicly i saw it a s a chance to shine and make impression (once again, because shining and and making impressions is something i really liked when i come to think of it). The discussion goes and goes and it's becoming more and more heated. The argument is whether mental terror and humiliation equals physical torture in weitgh. I am basicly supporting the theory that as long as nobody beats the shit out of you with a stick everything`s ok, while the majority of the collegues are stating that things like isolation and humiliation matters. Somewhere in the mid of the excercise, someone brings out the name of the titular of the discipline (which is International Conflicts) and i slip, saing how i might butt fuck him on his desk (only his assitant was in the room at the moment, and i kind of forgot her presence coz she`s not so much older than us and blended in in the process.) That brought the end of the discussion and we all laughted it out (here`s where the mega weirdness began. It`s something i will try to explain but i don`t think it will happen properly.)

I've said "We all laughted it out" (including the assistant that was there). The fact is my colegues were laughting i was just moving my face in synchronoys. I have no idea what happened to me back than, but it felt like something bursted inside my head or someone slapped my brain. I had a 360 degree turn of my whole world view. Up until this point i felt litteraly like god and than suddenly it was like i was smaller than a dwarf. The excercise of course continued. The next thing that had to be done is to state all the desires that were observed amongs the participants in "the experiment" (from the hononymous movie). But at that point i wasn`t listening at all what`s going on i was... i was... i have no idea what was i. It was like i reapeared from nowhere in that exact moment of space and time. So my colegues started pointing out what they saw. Starting with Sadism, Power, Leadership and a lot more (all of which was exact match with something i was striving for and even the order of which the words were listed on the board was exact with my priorities). And i being completely blank inside or much rather... i don`t know.. i really don`t, i wasn`t blank but seing all that immidietely after my remark that i will butt fuck that profesor (which i visualized inside my head and was pretty sure i am pretty capable of doing it because of the person that i am) i thought i am seing myself being striped naked (as my thoughts and so to be said "soul") on that blackboard (the board was white for a marker but those are details). I don`t know how it happened, but it really did. Every single thing a colegue of mine said struck a nerve inside of me. And that first thing that went. "Sadist" than "Power", than "Leadership" those were all my own true, guenie honest desires and the worst part is i also initialized with Sadist. I always knew it deep down inside me that i am capable of horrible things, but never cared. But this one time because of my confusion i thought that my colegues are in fact talking of me rather than the movie and as i've already said "they are striping my own persona on that board". And it hurt me. The very humiliation that seconds ago i thought can never scratch me and was argueing it`s so for everyone (coz i was projecting myself on everyone) was pumeling me with tons of... pure mental hurt (something i didn`t belive it existed). The fact is that this was in fact not happeing at all because in the reality the discussion was still about the movie we watched, but since something snapped inside my head i was feeling it all as it was about myself. The colegues than started talking about the genomophological treats of the people in "the experiment" and i start thinking that i am at least an reincarnation of Hitler due to some reason.

In split seconds i felt so isolated in a room of people that i've know for 3 years (and had numerious celebrations with and basicly a lot of fun) that i could barely stand on my feet and maintain some basic presence of mind. I became something like zombie. I felt betrayed and yet i knew (not at that point maybe) that i am the one betraying. Because i've always thought of other people as means of my own amusement and this time (even thou it wasn`t in fact the case in reality) i felt as if i am the amusement of the people around me and not in the good way and of people that i've known and trust and like. Or rather i don`t trust but i knew or assumed that they can be trusted. And i knew they all operate on the same assumption that i can be trusted even thou i can`t (but they don`t know it because i've never shown that fact). It`s like the bond between me and the rest of the humanity was severed out of nothing and what`s even worse i realize there was never such a bond to begin with, and the reason there`s no such bond is me myself and no one else. Something definitly happened back than. I think i manage to see the bonds between my colegues. I saw them as the collective that they are and they should be. And i realized i am the only odd piece there and that in fact i was always the odd piece trought my whole life.

This is not something i am sucking out of my thumbs right now for the purpouses of this text. Those are general truths about myself. I always knew i am in a way (mentaly) not like other people but i never cared because i never truthfully cared about no one but myself. In the second that i realized how much i want and need everyone around me i also realized how far alway from them i am and that smashed me. I litteraly colapsed inside my mind. I mean i was psychopath my whole life and always knew it. I think for a brief moment trought that discusion i felt what`s like not to be one to be true part of collective, i felt connected or rather i was on the peak of my connection. A lot of the people that i really liked male and female were in one room and we were intensly ranting on the same topic, maybe something of the everyday life for them, but something very new and appealing for me(imagine ... first time of that feeling on 22) and when i ended it with my own sadistic remark the magic ended and i was yet again myself but i wasn`t liking myself the way that i am anymore.

All this put in words is very very pale compared to the intensity of the feelings inside myself. Imagine what it was like based on how it changed my life to the very moment i am writting this text: But first a brief story of how i killed a rabit. And even before the brief story of how i killed a rabit, one remark. Almost everything of what i am saing happened, was happeing in marijuana indused haze. In that period i hardly had a sober moment i kind of woke up with a joint and went to bed with one. This is just to be known. One other thing is that from this moment onwards i might in fact burst into spiritual shits. Meaning i will probably talk about god and other stuff. That`s why i brought the marijuana haze. So that those pesky religious belivers don`t start blabing about how i found god(or god found me). I might but i am not admiting it. I preffer thinking of it as drug infused illusions coz if that wasn`t the case i am really really screwed. In fact i am... really really screwed. General Confusion, Work (study) related stress (tons of it), Marijuana, and spiritual experiences all at once concetrated in brief moments (compared to eternity) and i myself have no idea which led to which for real. Basicly no beggining and no forseabale end.

Due to the specifics of my major and that very course International Conflicts i am pretty familiar with human psychology... behaviorism, cognitive psychology, effects of mental stress. So i know everything that`s happening to me can be explained scientificly, it can also be explained with one word: Marijuana, but i am also as much sure that it... can`t. It can be combionation of both. For example marijuana unleashes schizophrenia(once again i am writing words as i see fit, too lazy to check for spelling do not rant at least for that) if you are predisposed to it. But if it was only schizophrenia i would have been happy, Depression is too mild and not so true since i am still able to laught my ass of, only not at the right things, apathy have always been there, so it must be something else that changed. I might in fact just grown up. But if growing up was like that for everyone i hardly doubt world would have been the way it is.

Anyway. Here`s how i Killed the rabbit. A friend of mine came to visit me in my home town. I drove him in every worthy location in the town. Basicly a full sightseeing tour. In the process of course we were ligthint one joint after another. Around 3 AM we were traveling from my home town to the capital of the country where the university we share is. That very same day (it was 3 AM) i was having a lection ~ 4.45 PM (the very one where me and my colegues were presented the movie "Das Experiment").We were in the outskirts of my home town right before the intersection for the highway. There is a very straight and long two lane one direction rode. I was driving with ~100 kmph because i know that road as the palm of my hand. I saw a rabbit crossing in the distant. It went 1 metter right from the road and stayed there. I was far enough to slow down or even to avoid it with maneuver. I could have done it because there was no other car around. It was me and the road in both directions + i am rather experienced driver. Anyway. The rabbit crossed, and stayed (stayed means it stopped moving there right before it moved again...) 1 metter alway from the road on the right side. I was speading towards it`s location and i knew it will jump back on the road. I just knew. Maybe i knew it from what i've heard for such situation from before, maybe i just knew it. I knew it will jump back but in my head there were two things "I want to/don`t care if (not sure which) kill that rabbit" and "If it`s stupid enough to jump infront of my car it deservs to die. It`s not worth it me avoiding it, even thou i can". (All that`s happening in a matter of split seconds or even second 100 kmph is not so slow and by "in the distant" i don`t mean as much as most of you have probably imagined. My mind does work rather well on high speeds.) I just grasped my driving wheel firmer, the rabit jumped back on the road and i ran over it. Than i didn`t even stop to pick it and than cook it and eat it (something that`s assumed rather normal in my country + than latter i found a deeper meaning behinde that assumption, or at least i think i did) i just laughted my ass of with my travel mate and kept on.

Why i've said all that. Well the bottom line is... I killed that rabbit for pleasure. I could have not killed it, or i could have killed it and ate it. But what happend is that i killed it for the sole pleasure of killing. Than i imidietly alocated the blame in the rabbit itself "if it`s stupid enough to jump infrotn of a moving car it deservs to die"... How can one blame a rabbit for being stupid... That`s obvious. I was the one with the capability of preserving it`s life instead of wasting it with no purpous (as for instance eating it). And now why i am stressing so much of not eating it. Well it have somewhat of a symbolic reasoning. That was litteraly "The food to jump into your plate" The food jumped into my plate and i let it waste and rot on the ashphalt. It might sound as something absurd and mega small but latter on i had the time and the need to think about stuff like that and i came to the conclusion that i've skipped waaay to many oportinities just because i can and i am too lazy to engage in them, and one should not let anything go so lightly. Especialy if life is involved even if it is just one of a rabbit. Even further. I was feeling like i am punishing the rabbit for being stupid. Now i am feeling like someone or something is punishing me for being that very one rabbit in the life itself. It`s like fucking retribution. It feels like i've always been stupid an unworthy of everything i had/have but never knew it and once i realized it it felt like hitting a brick wall head first. Unfortunatly if you hit a real wall headfirst you will most probably die, but the wall i hitted is solely in my head and left my body alive but my mind shattered. Which suck as hell. And since i brought hell, i currently feel the surrounding world with all it`s wonders as my own personal dimention of hell where i am doomned to pursue things i want but will never have.

But i yet again sliped. So i will continue with what happened after that ground breaking (for me) excercise. I was feeling (or i wasn`t i don`t even have an idea what was going on inside of me at that moment) very very very confused to say the least. I went to the next excercise where i heard things that made me even more confused. Than went to my car which was toppled with snow (it was 8th of march, national holyday of the woman in my country btw) i cleaned just enough of the front windshield to be able to see where am i going (completely forgeting to clean the side ones and i had to cross at least two crossroads... how i crossed em without getting hit... call it luck). Where i was going was towards my closest friends. When i went there it was still pretty weird. I for sure wasn`t stoned. Or at least i don`t remember. But the first excercise for the day was in like 11.30 AM and i prolly slept till ~11.00 and was exaited bout the discission so i most probably didn`t smoke weed so i can be more adequate (something which wasn`t the case obviosly). They (the excercices) ended ~4 PM so i was at the dormentry of one of my friends and weed supplier at ~4.30 pm due to the weather conditions. It was as i've already mentioned national holiday of the woman but i think all the people that were there also had no offers of what to do, so we went (on foot, i left my car there) to my room where it was... pretty weird (i am not getting into details because those are things i am not sure myself that have happened for real or it`s just some very weird form of dimentia). We smoked a lot of joint while listening to music and basicly having everyday conversations (i was holding back about what happening at the excercices because i didn`t knew myself...). Some of the things in the conversation (right from where i first met em that day) weren`t exactly in no mean everyday but as i've said they are in the unexplainable spectre. Than they went to their homes and i went to sleep.

I think i died once in that sleep... i am pretty serious. I had... visions. Visions of... stuff that i couldn`t have know. And from then onwards to that very day and right >>nao<< i have no idea what is happeing. I mean on the surfice i do. It`s just still me and it`s just still...life as i've knew it and yet it has Nothing to do with it. Nothing. Before that day i knew i know everything i need to know and i knew i will know a lot more and i knew i will... well i was confident in reallity so to say. Now i am not. I do not what`s reall anymore i do not know what matters and what doesn`t, i feel lost. And yet i am not i feel as the world is moving waay to slow. It`s like i am fucking stuck. I mean i can move but i will move from random useless position to another and with no point in doing so.

I've put a lot of thinking in what has happened and i came to the conclusion that i burned my brain in the same way one will burn his eyes if stare into the sun too long.
I stared with my mind waaay to long into the life, into the future i put too much thinking into everything and finaly on 22 i thought it all... litteraly in one night sleep i beated the whole "game" trou and trought. I am pretty fucking serious when i say i saw it all and now i feel like i don`t want to see anything anymore and yet i strive yet again to see it all the way i did in those very few and brief moments of perfection, but at the same time i realize it`s not possible and that dissapoints me before even start tring and thus i don`t try at all and everyone knows that whoever doesn`t try... well doesn`t try. Because in reality no action automaticly leads to no result. Unlike in your mind in reality you cannot just stand still and observe you have to interact, but the triviality of the everyday interaction with reality makes me wanna scream and rage and ROAR and fucking kill and destroy and obliterate and FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK KILL KILL KILL KILL SSSDEHUKERF KHUASDR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... you get the point. REALITY IS FUCKING TRIVIAL.

It exausted itself in some bare 22 years. I've tasted almost every taste there is to taste, i saw everything there is to see, i know almost everything there is to know. I realize right of the hook those statements are not true, but from the point of my surrounding enviorment they are. After all i am much or less bind with what i have around. It`s my town, my country, my continent, than there are a few more continents and that`s it. I've been everywhere in my town. I know a lot of people in it. I know my capabilities. I know what i can and what i can`t do. I know my limits, i know when i can step beyond them. To put it simply it constantly feels: "Been there done that". New situations are not so knew because i have expectations about them and my expectations are almost always true. With such a sea of information around is so easy to know what will happen that there are barely any surprises on micro lvl anymore. Everything that`s left is stupid gossip and international problems. About gossips i do not care, about international problems i could have cared had i continued my education.

Why i haven`t continued my education. I realized it had nothing to do with what i want. I remembered why i went to Sofia (that`s where my university is) in a first place. What i rememberd is what i`ve always knew i never wanted nothing but one simple FUCKING relationship, and happy life with woman, me doing whatever, she doing whatever but we living our life together. Maybe children, maybe not time would have told. I want a so called "soulmate".

Once I remembered that and notieced i yet again faild and that the time was moving on regardless i simply dropped my guard. I fucking gave up like a pussy. I do not want to struggle anymore if my struggle doesn`t producce nothing even close to the result i want. It`s fucking unfair and i am insulted by the whole fucking life. I want my money back and I want written explanation in three copies with different colour on the topic of exactly why and due to what reasonI was born at all. I am unhappy by the fact that i exist with basicly no purpous whatsoever.

In theory i am the one that should find my purpous for living in reallity: FUCK YOU LIFE. My reason for living is to have pleasure as by the way everyone should finaly admit also is (living for i mean). And yet on every corner, every step i am denied that desire. Why the fuck should i fight for everything when i don`t want to fight/struggle at all i just want to "feel" to "experience". Yes i had/have a lot and a lot more than a lot of other people, but fuck the other people, this is myself. I want more i want... ONE woman i love to love me back and i love quite the majority of women who are A) Not fat B) have no mustage C) do not look like dwarfs.

WTFFFFFFFF Here`s the deal. I was first charmed by a woman or much more acurate... girl when i was 11 years old. She was the older sister of a good friend of mine and maybe in her 13s. Of course by that time i had no idea wtf was going on. But the fact remain that... well i liked that girl a lot and i like her a lot till that very day. I've never said or did anything back than because i was... a kid. Than from a certain moment onwards (and which is very very normal) she had her life i had mine. The interesting thing is how she always had her place in my imagination besides me. I used to have (this is one of the biggest change since 3 months ago) very big imagination. I mean i had a whole world inside my head and it was a very cool one i could spend hourse before i went to sleep in it or when i am bored during the day i was just spacing out there with all my "abilities", "mythical creatures" and most importantly all the women i ever wanted but never had (wether we`re talking real life persons from my everyday life, acresses or porn acresses)

All those women had their place (this is all about my imagination so bare with it) as my lovers, wifes, daughers... (yeah) there were of course other men there too, well it was... universe as if you are reading cheasy sci-fi roman with awesome graphic. My imagination was awesome and since i had all the people there i wasn`t that much affected by the course of real life. This real life girl i spoke in the begining of this paragraph had always been my "prime wife" i feel absurd even writing that since in my head i had 4 wifes... Phahahha... (now i am laughting, but the fact is at the same time i wanna burst into tears). If you are curious number two was Kate Beckinsale (Selene, after i watched Underworld, always had a thing for vampires in fact in meh own head i was one as everyone meaningfull in the scenarious... not exactly vampire but close...lame isn`t it...) 3 was Scarlett Johansson which was by the way sister of 1 in the universe in question (The 3rd sister was Elisha Cuthbert) 4 was a porn acress called Dani Cole...

Anyway back to reality as much as this is possible in my case. When i was a kid i led rather solitary life. I liked to play with lego, i had a lot of it. My two and only friends were boys, children of friendly families. I also had a friendly relationship with two cousins but amogs them i always was the 3rd one coz they were the sons of two brothers and grew up together and had a lot more common interests. Amongs those friendly families there were of course those with girls as children. But they were either older and thus hard to aproach and play with, or were (this is in fact one specific case) acting like they were crazy and with my calm nature that was pretty much repelling me. When i went to school we imidietly separated to boys and girls because i guess that was the fad at the moment. We even were trowing stones at eachother... litteraly. + Back than i really liked to talk a lot and was friendly with everyone but had no particular interest in no one (besides myself) and was thinking everyone is complete retard, because due to lack of my own friends i was friendly with all of my dad`s friends which were visiting really often (major parties at home which were making my mom litteraly crazy... much latter she kind of left due to that reason) which were obviosly adults and had a lot more, better formulated and more interesting stuff to say, compared to everyone around my age (7 in first grade). I was already used to talking with them on equal terms (guess i was smart kid and they accepted meh as such and rearly held back at what they were saing to/infront of me) which led to me not having any common interest with children my age. This changed around 11 when i had my first computer and 24/7 i-net than i've met my best friend ever (the PC itself... :( )... it simply could offer more fun than anything or anynore around. + It was much or less common topic for everyone coz in Bulgaria that was... luxorios commodity. Those of us who had it could always talk bout it. It`s how i befriended the 3rd person i feel really comfortable with. Boys liked computers more than girls back than i guess... the reason behide that is some mystery for me till this very day. Computer games were boys restricted area of interest. We skipped classes so we can shot the shit out of eachother in computer clubs in Quake II, latter on Counter Strike, Star Craft was nice, and my personal favorite Diablo II... oh sweet battle.net and 16 hours of Cow Level with friends in the club. (Diablo II might have been latter on... my Barb lvl 92 or something with the second BotD in the whole battle.net...)

This is all to explain why from 1st to 7th grade i didn`t befriend even one girl in a way that i can remember anything more than her face and name. Basicly i had no real interest in girls because they could not entertain myself, because i couldn`t think of the most entertaining thing to do with them. Not that i didn`t know about sex. I found porn almost immidietly after i had i-net and i've seen some magazines before that. I was able to have an erection since i remember myself as person and i always liked to play with my penis but never had an orgasm before one day after shower i decided to try if i can simulate vagina with my hand (meaning i must have watched porn by that time to know what is vagina and what is it for). The simulation was not only successfull but really really pleasant and the success was rewarded with orgasm and drop of sperm on the tip of the head of the little bastard :P. Needless to say me being addict to pleasure continued that practice every time i felt like it in the company of my ~7 000 picture colection (the net was waay to slow to download whole movies + back than... nothing was so easily available as it is now). The interesting thig is that even thou i was masturbating since ~11 i never actually thought about having sex with girl no real idea why is that a fact, but most probably i concluded it would be waay to troublesome in general. Another interesting thing is i produced decend amount of sperm more than like 2 years latter. That was the first time i full flegedly "came" and i was "WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF" because up untill that moment i was jerking into my bed right into my pijamas not caring about that drop or two that will come out. That one night i made qute the mess and i needed like 5 minutes to figured out exactly what have happened. It was also the first time ever i single handedly washed my cloths... pijamas to be more exact... in the sink of the bathroom. My own penis got me off guard ahahah.

From 8th to 12 grade i had other problems. In the beggining i was too cought up in my "i am so much better than everyone else" attitude that i was hardly able to notice anything but my own presence. I was in class with intese english study and i've already studied it for 7 years in my prime school + i had computer and i-net which as everyone knows leads to even more english (or to be exact >>engrish<< coz grammar is not amongs the priorities of i-net users) while the other kids were either newcomers to the area or had worse initial preparation. That fueled meh illusions of superiority. + The Girls haven`t even half developed and thus were nowhere near my already favorite porn actresses (besides that one exception, my real life childhood friend, and number 1 imaginary wife, but she already was having some boyfriend... which was latter replaced by another, which now happens to be her husband and father of child, but this is already offtopic).

Anyway 8 grade was so so, 9th i don`t remember. In 10th the regular punching mule of the class got not only punched but face broken in day one of the grade and me with my big mouth managed to replace him. At first the two main agressors of the class were just testing themselfs vs me (because by that time i was not only too tall but also qute heavy 100+ kilograms in fat mostly but still that`s about as much as the two of them combined by that time) but than it became regular every day harrasment. I didn`t report them to the teachers because i thought that would be a sign of weakness (something that i wasn`t feeling at all), in fact what i was feeling was that i should in no way try to fight back, because if i do someone might die and it wouldn`t have been me. I knew (or rather i assumed, because latter on i reallized this assumption have nothing to do with the reality of the country that i live in) me breaking the bones of someone will lead to shit load of heavy concequences for me and thus determened it`s easier for me to bear some punches a day than to explain why i nearly killed someone (because the explanation would have soundned something like "well i wanted to see how a person sqeels with his elbow turned backwards") The fact is that was one of my biggest misstakes ever. I should have beat the shit out of the bastards and most probably i would have been patted on the head... This Is... Not Sparta... it`s simply Bulgaria... well maybe with my luck i would have actually been kicked out of school... but still this is one more thing i thought too much about and done too little. Anyway.

Till about 12 grade they were bored of harrassing me. But my respect amongs the female population of the class was... 0. Knowelge was not and never been i guess popular in school so it was impressing no one, and especially the girls which once again made me think that they are mostly complete retards. Of course amongs the boys i had some friends some of which quite good, right up until the best one amongst them crashed my car... this is a long story but it proved me that my initial assumption about people having no idea what they are doing most of the time and that they should after all not be trusted- true.

All of this was something i was not carring, because i lived with the idea of "the University" the place where i will finaly meet mature people who will not try to beat me or be interesting in completely irrelevant for me things and with whom i will be finally properly able to interact with. + I kind of thought that the woman that i am looking for is there.
By that time ~endish of 12 grade some of my classmates were really hot and i was already lusting to put my penis in some of them, but trully i couldn`t face them with the image of the local punch bag. So i bet it all on the University. New City, New Faces, finaly adults.

I went there and fuck it was awesome. Everything was going acording to my own plan. Getting to know a lot of new people and possible dates amongs them "check"(including the girl that broke my heart [or i broke it myself with my own imagination, which is actually the more viable scenario, but i will let you be the judges of that], acting out as the cool kid right of the hook "check". Everything was new and fun and going in the spirit of me being whatever i want with a lot of other people around doing whatever they want and the things they wanted were all fun by my own criteria.

By that time i had already fucked a few hookers here and there. And i was really happy when my own roomate proposed to call some in our room. We got two girls delivered. We had in advance negotiated that if they are blond and brunete he gets to have the blond and me the brunatte. The brunatte of course turned out to be rather unpleasant and chubby (at least she had big tits due to that fact) but since she was already there and all and i was as always horny as shit i fucked her anyway. I was also a bit drunk... like 3x100 vodkas so somewhere in the process i got so absent minded my hard on collapsed to ~80sh% and the condom might have slipped or migh have not, what i felt was that it`s getting way too good for such a fugly so i pulled out and indeed the condom wasn`t on it`s place but i don`t know if it fell at the moment of the pulling out or it was stuck on the side from before that and i porked for some time without it, which as most of you will immedietly be able to tell when it comes to hookers is like plaing russian roulette...
I made her replace it and blow me till i came. But few days latter i had this rash and than... some nastier stuff. Which got me quite scared i have quite the deadly desieses. I didn`t get tested because i didn`t actually cared. If i had AIDS...well if you have it you die anyway, so who cares if you know or not. The simptoms were in fact herpess like so i assumed that`s the case.

That was year one in university. I landed succesfully -the fact i thought i have AIDS. I knew that if i have a chance to bone a girl i will go get myself tested and if i have AIDS i will suicide... because who will actually want to live with AIDS, if not... well i will go get the girl and than they lived happily ever after.

Year two was even more awesome than year one. My next roomate turned out to be active joint smoker as well as all of his friends who quckly became my friends too. We were having such show downs that we must have eradicated at least 10 square kilometers of pot plantations (all for the greater good of those non weed smokers and their children who should never try the stuff [i am a bit serious here, do not smoke weed just to see what it is, because you will like it and... weird stuff may happen and not in the good and funny weird sence... just read what i am writting atm...]). The university was going smoth as well. I've already marked a few female colegues that i'd really like to be with me. But i wasn`t rushing the things at all. Getting so stoned almost made me forget how horny i constantly am+ i thought i have plenty more time to get the one that i really like. Which by that time wasn`t exactly specified. In fact i liked all of my female colegues. Some more, some less and i was hoping some my even show interest in myself first which would have made things even easier. During the duration of the entire second course this didn`t happen, but as i''ve aready said i was keeping myself entartained with tons of weed.

I do not exactly know how the scaling of "want" is going on inside my head as it comes to girls. I like a lot of girls indeed but i also doesn`t like a lot of them. If there is something like a list inside of my head and a bar goight trought it, the sadder i am the lower the bar goes (above the bar is: wanna sleep with, get to know, spend a lot of time with | underneath is: tend to forget they exist untill being reminded) , but there is this one certain dead line underneath which whoever i've placed is so much not a choice that i would much rather spend my life as a sad and depressed batchlor than with that particualar contigent of female persons.
I am pretty sure this kind of treatment goes both ways and i am even scared to think where i myself place in various female lists but this is not the point of this text.

The point is pretty much about what follows:

In the summer between second and third course i went to open air musical festival with very hot female colegue of mine (she used to be a model from what i know). This experience nulified whatever i had inside of my head up until that moment and placed one certain new number 1... her. (Yep my imagination was overtook, and even in it where i myself was... the me feeling weird eve while writting feeling is here yet again... well... kind of a demon and so was >>everyone<< else [who mattered]. She was angel... laaaame... but true) How it happened that i went there with her... were i there with here or was she with me or did she even cared i am there i will probably never know.

It was one weird expirience for me. Never done anythign like it before. If only i wasn`t still living with the tought i have AIDS... Plus back than i was also thinking i have Siphilis on top of it, because i had rash on my foot and on the inner side of my tight which as symphtoms and timing (after my drunk dormentry hooker fucking) were perfect match with what i've read on the almighty i-net. She was acting either really really friendly or as she actually likes me and i was acting "the gentleman" because have i tought if i step out of this rolle i might have a real chance to sleep with her and than have to explain to her how she got siphilis... Not that i would have done it without condom or she would have allowed it, but still i myself done it with one (still don`t know if it really slipped that bastard) and still got all those troubles i wasn`t willing to risk it... Even thou as i see the things from nower day prespectic she wouldn`t have slept with me anyway. For even further information about what happened on that fest. She was there with her roomates, and some other female friends. I was outnumbered like 5:1. Which from the sides sounds cool and at certain points it was (like on the beach...), but actually just try and go in between conversation of 5 chicks... simply not happening. So they were entertaining themselfs and i was there for the show i guess...

What i know for sure is that i got in love. I have this weird feeling i am desecrating the word "love"... I have a whole new respect for words (even thou i beggan to graduatly loose it with the very writting of this text) but still. Love might in fact really be something special above all. And since it`s me we`re talking about i don`t know if i am worthy of saing i >>love<< someone. But FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK this should be it... Love or obsession i really can`t tell the difference unfortunatly and even if there is one (and since they are different words i guess there is). I fell for her as a... don`t even know what to compare it with. I feel akward talking/writting about it because nothing so much happend in reallity and she made it so clear with such an ease in our last conversation (over the phone.... fuck i will talk lot about what happened i do not care i want someone to tell me what he/she thinks about what happened because i do not know and i wannna know) that i wanna... screw that... i kind of cried or much rather i was really hard trying not to do it while it was happening. In fact just mild memory of the event makes my heart hurt in the very same reallity where i am typing this text and not in the symbolic "my heart hurt" way but as in the i feel pain in my left chest way.

In the paragraph before i talked about our last conversation. I should have mentioned some other important details first.

After my "weird dream" to call it that way. I thought a lot about what i actually wanna do in this world, and i returned to my most basic desire with which i started my whole quest in Sofia. Love. I kind of just gave up on university because i lost confidence in my ability to think straight + i actually wasn`t able to. I couldn`t read more than a page of a textbook without getting sleepy or if i forced myself to read like 40~50 pages i knew i am just wasting the effort coz nothing was really going inside my head due to the fact that all that i was reading was "Bla bla bla bla, someone thinks he`s very smart and he wanna prove it to us all with his lame ass textbook about shits with doubthfull effects in the reality of life" In fact this is what i've always seen in textbooks but at least before i cared to pretend i care about what i read.

I knew if i want to stick to my initial plan of obtaining wife via being rich and mighty i should manage to somehow finish the University even thou everything in it was making me wanna throw up with it`s pretentiosnes. This is something i always tought (the pretentiosnes and the ostentation of the university as institution but always ignored and kept on with the idea that it will lead to somewhere, but since "the dream" i simply wasn`t willing to go where society (via the university) will lead me, and in reality to >>>lead<< <>>>follow<<< society are your only two valid options in life. Before i wanted to lead the society but after the dream i kind of start feeling society is so fucking retarded in every single one of it`s mechanics that it`s not worth being led to anywhere and if you follow it you are even more of a retard. Maybe that`s exactly the reason i am so desperetly striving to escape into the ping buble of love. I need a decent reason to pretend i want anything to do with things like education and work. Before that reason was myself, but since i stopped carring about myself i don`t even feel like prettending i give a fuck (something i was never giving, unless in it`s litteral meaning in which i gave quite some to the last honest with themselfs women on the planet...) Of course life itself will sooner or latter force me to give a fuck, but this is something described in details above (yes this whole paragraph is somewhat an edit... and yes this is one messy text) I just wanna add that the way life force you to care about it is mega cheap shot, by exploiting in build weaknesses like the need to eat every now and than...

Ah yeah. I kind of remembered what i wanted to say. So I gave up on university (which in long term means giving up on any chance of decent job, just so that we be clear, even thou everyone knows that fact nowerdays and most obviosly... i know it too, but i am stating it so that you guys don`t think i don`t... I've said i tought it all and i really did... anyway overkill) Basicly i gave up on education and really didn`t want to start working some total useless crap right of the hook (i don`t know why i use that term so often) Smoking pot wasn`t making me happy anymore. I wanted something to make me happy and if it wasn`t education and i knew it won`t be work, that the only thing remainign was love (thou what can uneducated poor bum offer a girl was/is something that really bothers me... and in the same time doesn`t because i know the answer... love... devotion... but who cares about those today. I for one doesn`t really and still it`s all i am capable of i guess... weird isn`t it).

I caught myself thinking about only one thing. How i want to love a woman and she to love me back. (This is happening in the days and week at most after the dream, all of those days were Meeeega weird, i will once again repeat. A lot of weed was involved in the process but after the dream it was only to kill time not that it was in any way affecting my head, at least no more than it [the head/mind to be understood] was affecting itself . Obviosly the face that was constatly popping was the one of the girl from the summer fest. I've never ever confessed my feelings in a straight form to no one. Like never ever, not my parents, no one. Mostly because there were rarely any feelings at all mostly thoughts and imagination. I mean i felt things but never cared about what i am feeling since feelings were useless and even obstructing in the way of having fun. But i wanted to try it.

I kind of tought if i confess to her i love her i will somehow release myself of all those shits in my head. I will simply say "I love you a lot" she will say either "i don`t" or "there is someone else" and all will go away. So i wated for what i tought was the right moment. Really okward in reallity, she was in the bank of the university we went there together and... well it`s overall pretty fucking weird. She was cheking something bout her student debit card i got all my guts together, of course blushed and sweated a littled looked her and said "Well it must have been obvious (Because it really was, one could have seen it from a kilometer away. On that fest friend of mine told me >phah lol you love her like a puppy< and that`s almost exact quote) but i really really love you." She stood there for a few second and said something like "Ok but i love someone else, if you had facebook you would have known it" (Erm ok wtffff... faceboook... i don`t have facebook, but who cares about facebook in that moment + i kind of expected she have someone else i don`t know how but i just did) I barely remember (and in fact i remember it all but do not want to repeat even in written form) what happen from that moment onwards. She asked something that i either missheard or it was very weird in the sence of "do you want me to tear your backbone..." and "once your madness passes, we might have a coffe"...

What i tought to myself was "Erm wtf tearing my backbone is ok since i already feel as i don`t have one, but how can she actually expect my madness to pass when it started from like 3 months ago and she was the means i tought will help me in some way to overcome it (maybe even by showing me her version of tearing my bones (Coz i kind of done that in my toughts by myself. Latter on i litteraly felt my bones moving inside my body as if they had their own ideas of where and when to go... but that`s another topic). I in fact wanted her to insult me or something or to jsut say i suck and she doesn`t like me at all or that i am looser or something amongs those lines, but she just left the status que, which for her might have been ok, but fuck look at me now...

After that i took one guy for something like prisoner of war and drove for like 24 hours straight, no sleep and about 15 joints in the breaks (which were in like every major city... why was that happening i have no idea), to the biggest river on the North border of the country Dunav. I stood on the river bank looked at Romania our North neigbor and rember how my favorite hooker is 25 years old Romanian girl called Anka who`s been working in our country for like two years, but this is totaly irrelevant to the story and i kind of just wanted to mention it. Read the paragraphs below and than go fuck yourselfs because i hate you all. How can every 16 year old drag around with some other 16 year old hand to hand and happily in love and that to be just the first of series of such encounters till they get married with children and for me to be so miserable and alone. FUCK YOU LIFE, FUCK YOU SOCIETY, FUCK YOU GOD, FUCK .!. .

(please hug me)

This is how i got all my >>doubts<< (never had any real doubts before). If my attraction for that girl wasn`t real than nothing in my life was never real, because finding someone that i really really like was all i was aiming for. But since i exist than my life is real and than my attraction was real, but since nothing came out of my attraction [fuck it i will call it love even if no one ever belives me it was... even she doesn`t] than reality have no point and i am fucking forsaking it

Thou the bitch[reality] holds me down with ~90 kilograms of flesh and bones that i must feed if i don`t wont to die from horrible death, and to feed that stupid body i need money for money i need to work and this is how the circus of life goes on and on and on. Fuck i do not wanna work just to get money just to feed myself but underneath the bottom line this is the only valid reason i have left for working. Making money for buyng food so i can put it in my mouth and trought there in my stomatch where it can be digested and thus prevent my body for suffering fatal malnutrition in a matter of about 2~3 weeks of horrible pain and cravings, how can this be a purpous of one`s life!? Or should i put my aim in buyng bigger TV maybe... .!. you existance )

When it comes to that one girl (the one from the summer festival) it`s where everything becomes blury and clear at the same time... yeah right WTFFFF !?... go figure. I can remember even where i first spoke to her, and the weird things is that she`s the one that spoke to me, and i don`t even remember what we were talking about. I was sitting on a bench [for the sake of mysticism that bench is 15 metters on the right from the spot where i confessed my unrealized love to her 3 years latter] waiting for something she came sat next to me and just talked to me. And this is something that doesn not happen to me. Hot girls do not come and talk to me with no reason. I do not remember what i was thinking back than but probably it was something amongs the lines of "she`s just killing time". In fact i never knew how to be friendly with girls i like, because at first (early childhood here) there were no girls i liked (besides that one Number One Prime which i was friendly with but in the childish all-children-are-friends-way), latter on my mind was occupied with computers and games, than came the beating. For a first time i was thinking about dating and girls in the university. Up until this point everyone had plenty of experience in that area and i was the newcomer. Coming to think of it. I think i liked that one girl/woman i do not even know how to call her... weird words come to mind and some of them begin with g and end with ess from pretty early on.

I remember the first story i heard from her which A) made me laught, B) tought was cool to be heard of from the mouth of a girl, even thou i kind of knew it from before... It was about a woman with a smelly vagina :P. I think i once even asked her on something i thought it would be a date, she accepted, than turned me down on the day we should have went out with some stupid explanation how she forgot she was going to a theatre with some female friends of hers. (I've chose a place i thought it would suit her taste and all, since we talked about were she used to go in my home town where she had finished high school). She lives in a nearby city. Anyway Fuck this is ridiculous, now i am angry i am even writing this text. I feel ridiculous. There are peaople dieing from that very horrible death i mentioned above (famine) and i am sitting here complaining about how i faild at getting some girl being warm and fat infront of my PC with internet, wanting to cry like a woman which i am not... and still this is it.

This is what torments my mind and i cannot get out of it. Why !? People said "time would pass" Well FUCK TIME, FUCK IT !!! 22 Years have passed and i am not happy. I mean for a the majority of those 22 years i was but it was because there were still new things ahead of me to discover and try. And now there`s nothing new ahead of me. Just monotonous every day life of random worker. I somewhere above started to try to explain why i dropped university. FUCK it FUCK FUCK FUCK. This is not HATE and this is not REGRET and this is not the FUCKING Madona .!. fuck her. I do not know what is it. I do not hate, i do not regret it is somehow as if a feel nothing but infinite sadness and it`s not even sadness it`s like fucking guilt for thousands of things i've never done or i've done but never knew i shouldn`t because how could i know something if nobody told me and + who could have been that someone. Everyone in this world have their own problems and must find a way to deal with them. I don`t even have problems i have fucking nothing and no way to fill it. Maybe i should "wait for a better tomorrow". Well FUCK THAT i waited for better tomorrow only to wake in the very same everyday plain nothing. Maybe it can become worse, but who cares. I might get cancer, i might get shot... than i will just die, but i will die anyway so why bother bout that...

And by the way i finaly tested myself and i have no STDs at all... It`s not like there is someone i can transmit em to thou. Where can one finde a girl that he can love and she will love him back or rather why is that everyone else can do it and i can`t. What`s in me or about me that`s making it to be so. How many other people like me are out there and how are they handling it. And is it worth handling it. After all we are like 7 000 000 000 and rising and this planet definitly can`t handle much more. So what`s the fucking point of my life again mister>?

And one last thing i am not suiciding i am fucking not i will live to my fucking last breath only to make sure this is the most pointless expirience ever an if there is something beyond i will unleashe such rage there that i will overthrown whichever`s deity`s domain i find myself into. And if i just die... FUCK i would have wasted like 80 years of being sad and depressed to yet again obtain nothing. WHO THE FUCK DARED MAKE ME. Yes i blame my parents, this is horrible but fuck. They made me, raised me. I am pretty much capable of handling on my own but this is something everyone can do. You get the first crappy job you find, get some place to live. Sleep, work, eat, shit, sleep, work, eat, shit. I am currently so dissapointed and scared of the expirience of love that i do not know if i wanted for that to happen again. A) I will get fucked around again and this time a lot of people will die and me of course but it will happen in trail of blaze bullets and carnage or B) It will turn down that it`s me who`s not right and i will drag some poor girl in my trail of despair and desparation i will at some point realize what i am doing and will yet again be so crushed by the reality that... no idea what will happen.
Something is not right. This cannot be all that`s given. There must be something more.

Why is love not happening to me by itself as it`s supposed to? Why i feel like i am the one that should have propeled myself towards it via obtaining social ranks and statues i do not even want and care about. I've lost the will to do so because in order to do so i must go trought so much things that have nothing appeling to me in them that i just want to fucking rather not do em. I am loosing the foundations of my belives in everything i do not belive in absolutely nothing anymore besides thigs i can touch and taste. But if that`s really all, than i do not wanna belive even in those things. How can one achive absolute non beliving? How can one unexist himself? I fucking want to dissapear along with my whole earthly pressense. Not to become a pile of rotting flesh, but simply undo 22 years of nothingness. Or maybe i should "find something". Where to look for it... where. I've looked inside myself and i foud nothing, i've looked into the world and yet again i found nothing... how can with so much shits around there still be nothing it`s freaking me out.

And if i continue to exist... what will i see that will make me "Oh god thanks that i lived to this moment". It might be my first child but what if it is completely deformed due to who knows what genetic desise, what than, will i be able to thank for that and who should/could i blame for it. I do not want ot struggle for just tomorrow, or just the next week, or just the next year. And i am coming back to square one. I do not want to live by myself for myself i want someone to share my life with, but if no one wants to share >>her`s<< with me than what. Why should i feel like punished child in the corner of the room. And usually when a child is punished it at least suspects it`s guilt. I in fact also suspect mine but it`s so beyond me that the punishment itself is completely pointless which leads me to even previous squares where i've stated that everyone and this time i include everyone an everything is complete fucking retard. .!.